I thought this was going to end..

Well, the last week of my life has been rather bad, to say it like that.. Friends doing things they have said they wouldn't, and just been fucking up alot..

I don't know why, if its me, or if it was just spontaniously done.. I seriously hope my time will come soon, I wont be able to live like this, here for much longer, i've done mine, and im tired of it.. I just want to get the hell out of here.. I'm so tired, of allways coming second in the group, im always the last to know, I don't know why, guess im just made to be that person..

I have alittle thing here to say though, i've decided to up my guts alittle, as my bestfriend told me to.. And if there is anyone i need to listen to, its her.. I can always come to her, talk to her, she always has something smart to say..

Just writing this makes me sick.. I just want to lay down, and not have any problems at all.. But I guess that can't happen.. I have decided to tell this girl about my feelings.. As the people ive spoken to says thats the best thing i can do at the moment.. And just pray for the best answer.. Now, i've said to my self, that if the answer is negative, i shouldn't care, then i knew that i told her, and i can stop going around thinking about it all day long..

And about the friend that quiet didnt stand up to me, i have found out that i can try to live with his mistake, but i sure as hell wont forgive him for what he did.. That won't happen. 2 times is enough.. Everyone i talk to, says that i shouldnt have let him go so easisly, that i should have said something more, but i couldn't.. If the girl i'm in love with, wants that guy, then fine. I only want the best for her, and if her best isn't me, then thats a price i have to pay.. And i have to say thanks, to the poeple that i can talk to.. You have no idea how much it means to me.. And i can promise you, i will do my best..

Opertunities..

My whole life i've been waiting for this opertunitiy to grab and hold on too.. The problem is that when I get this, I always let someone else come first. There is always someone that has more influence on the thing i'm interested in.. I don't really know what i'm doing wrong, some people say they can't date me because i'm to nice, now whats that for a reason? I just have it in my self, that i can't be mean to girls, i can't pretend to be an asshole, when i'm really not one.

When I started high school, my life changed, for the better that is.. After some time, i've started looking for a possible girlfriend, and that's caused me alot of problems.. Now, there is this one girl that i've found, and I got some contact with her, not alot, but some.. I started to like her, more and more for everyday that went by, I saw her at school, I was constantly thinking about her, and I really liked being next to her.. Then I was thinking about how I could let her know that I was into her, without having to make a move, like all of a sudden, without knowing if she even had a thing for me.. I found out that the best thing to do was just to tell her how I felt, but that turned out to be a quest of it's own.. The right time never came, she didn't have time to meet me after school, and at school she always were with her friends.. Now, I have to say that I don't have the best selfasteam, and that i'm frigthent to tell someone that i'm into her..

Then, I get a message, from my bestfriend, "you know the girl you like is messing around with one of you're friends?" I was shocked, I got so angry, I didn't know what to do.. I told him that i was moving out of our workshop, and that i didnt want anything more to do with him, or anything around him.. That was acctually the first time I got to see him showing some emotion, and he said sorry, he knew that he had fucked up, considering he told me he would leave it, this time..

I didn't know what to do, i was so furious that i trew my telephone to hell, now i fucked that.. Now I don't really know what to do.. Maby I should still tell her? Without risking too fuck things up between her and the other guy.. But i think its time for me to put my self first for one time..

I've always been a person that other people has made me, ive never had thoughts about something, for my self, ive always taken what other people mean, and think.. I'm tired of this, i think its time to let my own light shine..

I beleive that the choices I make, is choices made by other people. Even though, i still live.. I think i should set a goal to tell her about this within a week.. This is going to be hard for me, but hey, thats life..

I've got to say this..

There is a few diffrent meanings in my writings here, all came down to when it was written. As i have alot of writing down on my computer, i cant acctually pinpoint when each one was written. But i know that some of theese are old, and that they might mean something else that what the new ones do. Sorry if im confusing your're minds...

Knowing everything..

When you think you know everything in the world, you get a shocking fact.. You're wrong.
If you believe in something, enought to make you go mad, then you can start learning the world, you start learning life..

Life as it's suposed to be, is not what you had in mind as a child.. A child thinks of the world, of life as a game.. I wish I still could, but I let my mind take over, and I let i guide me, to hell.. I'm not really a religious man, but I beleive that the choices you make, effect you're faith, you start beliveing, after a while, you start thinking about what you're life would be like, if you had someone to share it with.. You start looking at girls, but you soon realize, that this isn't as easy as it was.. You find a perfect girl, you get to know her, you become a good friend.. What you don't know now, is that you've already fucked up.. You're trapped, even though you don't know it.. You keep seeing her, she thinks youre an awesome friend.. Everytime you look at her, you get this feeling inside, the feeling of love.. She is the one, she's the one you want to share you're life with..

I don't think there is a reason for life, I personally believe theres more of a reason, in you're life..

You continue to see the girl you like, every day, every minute, you like her even more.. You even think she likes you.. You're wrong.. You start doubting about whats going on.. You talk to you're friends about it, they just keep quiet.. After a while, you start wondering, what you could say, what you could do, to make her, yours..

Should I tell her? What proof of that do I have, what reason my feelings can i give.. You don't want to lose her.. You're afraid if you tell her, she might say something, that will affect youre friendship.. The hasitation comes, you wait, and wait.. Untill, she says, she has found the perfect guy.. She trust's you, she tell's you everything.. She keeps talking about how wonderful this guy is, and its crushing you, you know now, this is not going to work out..

You try to be the good friend you've always been, you keep talking to her, meeting her, and in secret, you're in love with her.. You won't get out of this on so easily, without risking to loose one of your best friends..

Still going

You don't know where you are, where you've been, what you've done, where you are suposed to be.

You start running, brain says run, heart says stop.. You keep on running, your brain is winning..
What are you running from? You stop. Start thinking, what are you thinking about?
The heart knows, the brain wants to forget.. Why is this so hard? You have to pieces saying things against eachother, inside your body.. You're confused, who should i listen to? Should i follow my heart and do my best, or go with my brain and wait, to see if this is the right thing to do.. You think that your brain is clever, but your heart won't let go, the feelings inside you start to scream, you're getting confused, again..

Someone once told me, to stand up for you're self, do as your heart says, for once, this seemed like the right choice..
Hours went, i sat there, thinking.. Still, i couldn't quite figure out why, these feeling's i'm experiencing, are weird..
You need something, someone, to share your feelings with..

You always go around, with the thought of doing something wrong in the back of your head. You have this paranoia about, saying something wrong, doing something wrong.. And thats whats keeping you from doing the right choice.

"We are all meant to shine as children do", she was right. She was absolutely right, when she wrote that sentence. But this still wont keep you from the thought of doing wrong.
You believe its your turn now, is it?

You wonder, why, when, how.. Still can't figure out.. A day has gone away, a thousand people has passed this lonely bench, you've been sitting on all day long.. Still confused, is my heart right, og is my brain right?

Is this really the girl I want?

You keep asking your self, if she's the right girl for you, you think about the ups and downs, you think you'll loose what you have, without gaining anything worth trying for.. I've been told a thousand times, it's you're turn soon, you will find the right girl for you.. I'm starting to believe thats just bullshit. I still can't find the girl of my dreams.. Or, I've found her, but i now realize we wont ever be more than friends.. I can sit here, writing for minutes, hours, days, months, but that wont help me for shit, I need to get my lazy ass out, but my selfconfidence keep's me from doing just that..

I'm not afraid of sharing my thoughts, the one thing I have difficulties of telling, is my feelings..
Like, it's not a problem, to talk to my friends about this, considering i know they will keep their mouth shut.. The one problem I have, is telling the girl im into, that I like her, that I want her for myself..

Am I dancing with the devil?

- "It is our life not our darkness that most frightens us, your playin small does not serve the world that there is nothin enlightened about shrinking so that
other people wont feel insecure around you."

This is a sentence I adore, when you understand it, it makes all the sense in the world, it took me almost 3 years to understand this poem.. I could sit for hours, reading it, over and over.. Still, it did not make any sense what so ever..
Then this girl came along, I start to get to know her.. She acctually tought me to understand it..

I will share this to all of you, when you first understand it, it will somehow change your life.. Even if you don't think about it, everything you do, everything you say, changes your life..

This is written by Marianne Williamson

- "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Love?

Some people say that love is overrated.. People say love is unessecary, but there's one thing you've forgot about people.

People speak more than they should, they say whatever comes into their head, and they will say, anything. Anything thats going to make them feel better about them self.
Love ain't easy, the people who say love is easy, still haven't found their true love, trust me. You found a girl, you would do anything, anything to get her for your self.

You try and try, days, weeks and months go by. You have told your self, that you wont give up this time, you've fucked up to many times before, this time i'm gonna make it, you swear, you keep telling it to your self.. Youre thinking, am i going mad? Whats this girl doing to me?

Life goes on.. Day by day, you keep doing your best, trying to get in contact, she refuses, she doesnt reply, she walks away, stands you up.. You're feeling like shit, you're feeling like you should just lay down and cry, just forget everything, and let her go.. Then words start coming into your head, you had promised your self, not to give up, what ever she would say or do..

You keep that in mind, day by day, week by week.. Sometimes, you are feeling like you're gonna make it, other times you're right down there again, where it all started, the lowest point of your life..

You think, that you can't win, but you can't lose either, so whats it gonna be? Keep on going, chasing, chasing, never giving up.. Or just straight out of the sky, give up? Should you just find another one, and move ahead?

- This is not the end, yet..

My previous veiwing of life..

Life ain't as easy as you think, when you're 8 years old.
You don't really think about it to much when you are that age
Life as an kid seems flawless, no problems, no issues.
Everything is perfect.Then, you grow. And as you grow
The problems grow with you.

In a split second, you're life goes from perfect, to shit.
You really need some time to think about it, but when you first do
You realize, life as an grown up. Plainly sucks.
Friends ditching you, family going against you, you don't ever sucseed.
Everything comes crashing down.
You start losing your head, you go around
Thinking, just thinking about how your life could be, and not how it is


But then, you see something, something that will change you.
Change you for the rest of your life
After sometime, you understand, that what you have seen.
What you have discovered, you feel that everything is fine again.
You start to know it, you feel it in your body, you know this is right.
What you have discovered is love. And your true love, is standing infront of you.
After trying, for days, weeks and even months. You get to know her.
You start hanging out with her, you just seem to like her more and more.
You decide to stand up for your feelings. You think the right thing to do.
Is lay it all out, you feelings for the girl, and your dreams.
You sit down and talk, you say you have something to tell her.

As the friend she is, she listens, and you start talking.
Laying it all out, how you like her, how you want to spend the rest of your life with her
You love the way she smiles, the way she talks, the way she walks.
You look at her face, it's turning weird, you have never seen this before
When you're finished, silence. Total, frigthing silence. You are out of words
you sit and wait for her to say something. Then she start talking.
She says something about her self, she just keeps trying to avoid the talk
Something is wrong, you can feel it. Like something is going to come crashing down on you
Then the words, the small words, that would kill your soul.
I just want to be friends..


You don't know what to do. You storm out of the place, straight home
Laying down, looking at the ceeling, thinking about her. Can't get her out of your head
A tear comes down your face. In a split second, your life is back to where it all started.


Hell.